Leaving for Lava

Watch out, volcanology.  The lava lady is BACK.

I'm assuming what I'll be announcing here will be common knowledge to you, the reader, as I'm assuming 99.9999% of my audience here is friends on Facebook, aside from those 8 people in Ukraine.  But for those of you who missed my announcement (or who live in Ukraine), I have decided that I will not be continuing my PhD at the Colorado School of Mines, and will instead be looking for another school at which to complete my PhD.

I wanted to write here about my experiences in making this decision (and the coming transition period) because when I finally found myself ready to move on, I found a whole lot of information about leaving a PhD entirely, and nothing about simply moving to a different PhD program.  So while I am by no means a professional guidance counselor type and am learning this "on the job", as it were, I thought I might chronicle my experiences here in this more public forum so that my story might serve as a resource for others facing this decision and transition.

So, why am I leaving?

There are many factors, but the most important is that I finally came to realize that I just wasn't all that interested in the research I was doing, and the kind of research the department specializes in, generally speaking.  The Mines geophysics department does all kinds of crazy cool things with geophysics methodology, working pure freaking magic with data like you wouldn't believe!  But the catch, for me at least, is that all this focus on methodology means that there's less focus on the geological problems we're trying to solve with geophysics.  And eventually, it dawned on me, that's a really essential part of why I love geophysics!  While I will salivate over some Fourier finesse or an insightful inversion, what really puts a fire in my heart is the answer at the end of the geophysical analysis, or, in many cases, the next question.  Is that a magma chamber I see?  Is it connected to this other one? WHY???  In the end, I want to be the person asking those questions, and using geophysics as my magic wand to help solve them.

I came to this realization in stages.  First, it was the culture shock of going from 6 years living in the very pro-environment Pacific Northwest to a very industry focused school, and trying very hard to get interested and excited about industry issues.... and just not.  It felt increasingly like I was one of millions trying to carve out a tiny slice of a very huge and mostly-eaten pie.

Then, it was noticing where my brain went when I would zone out in classes.  Everything ended up in volcanology.  Every new method I heard about, I wanted to apply to some problem in volcanology.  I just could not stop thinking about volcanoes, and lava, and magma, and volatiles, and pressure, and... you get the picture.  Industry problems were just not something I could see myself working on.  It would have to be something related to volcanology.

I tried figuring out a PhD thesis topic that would involve research that I could easily apply to volcanology, as an attempt to placate my volcano-obsessed brain.  However, it was quickly obvious my ideas weren't really going anywhere, and it still felt like something was missing.

Still, even though I was feeling increasingly uneasy about whether I was in the right place, I stayed on.  Part of this was the heavy course load I endured for the first three terms.  I wanted to see if my fourth term, during which I was taking only two very minimal courses and finally focusing on research, would be an improvement.  I didn't want to leave just because it was hard.  More importantly, at that point I had only "push" factors - factors suggesting I was in the wrong place, but nothing to suggest there might be a better place elsewhere.  Without something pulling me away, I couldn't be sure that my thoughts about leaving were simply stress from the PhD that might eventually pass as I adjusted.

Finally, just before spring break, two events happened that gave me my "pull" factors.

On Thursday that week, the speaker for our department seminar happened to be a professor who specialized in InSAR, and had done work on volcano deformation.  This particular scientist was someone who had actually been on my radar for some time, as she had also worked with gravity in the past, and I had actually briefly spoken with her about doing a master's several years prior. Before the talk, out of curiosity, I started looking up some of her more recent papers, and was instantly intrigued.  Here was someone studying the earth system I was clearly addicted to, and she used really amazing math and geophysics to reach some really interesting conclusions!

With these thoughts swirling in the back of my mind, the next morning I gave a Q&A session for a group of students about being a volcanologist.  The Q&A session the following morning was another eye-opener.  In talking to the students about the work I had done in volcanology, I realized how much I missed it, how much I missed doing work that was that...well... awesome.  Doing something I really felt passionate about.

I started thinking about which of the department seminars really had me on the edge of my seat.  And when I thought about it, it was always the talks where the focus was on solving some problem in the natural world, be it analyzing the seismic signals of glaciers, detecting volcano inflation, or simulating erosion due to landslides.  It wasn't the talks that were more in line with what the department specialized in, the talks about industry problems, or fine-tuning seismic imaging, or improving inversion algorithms.

I had been operating under the thought that, hey, I'll do this PhD at an industry-focused school, learn all the cool tools people use in the industry, and then sneak back into volcanology with my new-found geophysical goodies.  But I started thinking, seriously, was it worth it to me to do a full PhD on stuff that wasn't really what I wanted to do, at the end of the day?  Did it make sense to do a PhD I wasn't really passionate about, in the hope that at the end, I'd be able to break back into a field I would have been out of for likely over 5 years?

What the department seminar from the InSAR specialist had shown me was that I could achieve both of my goals at once - I could do really cool fun math intensive geophysics, AND study volcanoes.  Suddenly, whereas before I had only push factors, the nagging feeling that I didn't belong, not being very excited about the research opportunities available to me, now I had my pull factor, something enticing me to think again about what I might do beyond Mines.

With both push and pull factors, I made my decision - Mines was simply not the right place.  It was a bittersweet realization.  Bitter, because I am not the sort of person to leave things half done, and I knew I would genuinely miss the amazing people at Mines.  Sweet, because it was such a relief to have finally made the decision, and to finally allow myself to think about science that really fired me up!

Of course, then I had to figure out how to break the news to everyone, most importantly, my advisers. I ended up writing several drafts of what I would say or send in an email, and had people close to me review my writing.  I wanted to explain my decision clearly without seeming dismissive of Mines, because even though I had decided to leave, I didn't think any less of Mines, it just wasn't the right place for me.

I ended up delivering my decision to my advisers by email, not my first choice (the circumstances ended up forcing my hand), but at least that way I was able to choose exactly what I wanted to say.  I immediately followed this with an email to my friends at Mines, followed by a Facebook post, because I was very worried about what people would think, and I wanted everyone to know my decision, and my reasons, from me first, and not on the grapevine where my reasons might get distorted.

 I was very afraid of the condemnation of my peers - afraid people would think I had just given up, that things had gotten too hard and I had failed.  I was astonished by the incredibly positive response I got instead!  I heard from a few friends who had made similar decisions, and found themselves very much the better for it.  Several of my friends applauded me for having the strength to follow my dreams.  Many of them even used the word "brave".

And I guess I did have to be brave.  I was definitely playing all the pump-up music I had when I was driving up to Mines to deliver the news to my advisers*, and I was pretty dang scared to come back to campus the next week**.  But at the same time there was such relief from feeling that I was no longer lying to myself or the people around me that it made the fear conquerable.

*Who ended up being out of the office when I got there, hence delivering the news by email - there were some deadlines coming up that kind of forced my hand that way.

**Which ended up being delayed by a very nasty resurgent case of strep throat, as Murphy's Law is still in full control of the universe.

I of course don't know if there are people saying nasty things behind my back - there probably are, humans are humans.  I learned a valuable lesson, though, and that is that people in our society do actually respect the idea of someone following their dreams.  I know we like to pass around optimistic cartoons and such praising the idea of pursuing goals outside the beaten track, but I kind of assumed that this was just a thing we say to be nice, and that what people really think is different.  Again, don't know if people are saying one thing and thinking another, but the sheer volume and consistency of the positive response I received kind of makes me think it might be real.  Every now and then, humans can surprise us - for the better.

So I'll offer this advice to anyone contemplating a similar move:

1. Think about your push and pull factors.  Why do you want to leave?  Is there a somewhere you can see yourself leaving to?
2. Take care to communicate your intentions clearly and civilly.  Be honest, but be nice - the world can be a pretty small place, and it's always better to keep allies than to make enemies.
3. Give people the benefit of the doubt - the people in your life will understand and support you, just give them the chance.

So what am I doing now?  Well, I'm finishing up my term at Mines, and when I'm done with that I'll be working full time at my currently part time job, while I figure out PhD Take 2.  At the moment I've got a huge spreadsheet going (because I LOVE me some spreadsheets) with potential new advisers, their institutions, their research, etc. and plans to make some sort of spectacularly complicated rating system that I'll probably end up ignoring in the end.  I'll attempt to post updates here, and talk a little bit more about the process of figuring out what comes next.

In the meantime, I'll be dealing with the flood of repressed volcano love, which may end up being channeled into some slightly less dark lyrics for this very awesome attempt at a volcano-themed version of one of my favorite songs:

Currently questioning the wisdom of ending a post about not burning bridges with a song about burning, well, everything.... oh well.

Next posts:
      2. Redesigning my Research
      3. Professorial Processing
      4. Knowledgeably Narrowing
      5. Coming to Conclusions

Statement of Purpose

The book of Face now has this wonderful feature where it will throw up your old posts from years past.  I was apparently somewhat loopy in December of 2010, that day features a lip-dub I made of Aretha Franklin's "Think" in which I yell at my physics textbook, and the following "draft" I wrote of my statement of purpose for applying to grad school for my master's.  Enjoy.

I tried writing an essay, I really did....

You should give me money because I are really smart. I works in a lab and sorts rocks and stuff so people can tell how volcanoes exploded. And sometimes I shake them for hours in big sieves. Not the volcanoes, the rocks. And last summer I got really wet and muddy and dug lots of holes so people could listen to really long earthquakes. And I saw lots of slugs and my boots didn’t dry off for three weeks, so I think I definitely deserve some sort of compensation for that, don’t you think? I think so. Anyway, I also do lots of stuff with the geology club, like teaching middle schoolers and stuff, and I want to use geology to help people and stuff. You know, like hazards and stuff. I want to run around on volcanoes and put gravity meters on them, and then tell people when to run away. I might even get the government to pay me for it if I work for the USGS. Otherwise I’ll have to sneak out with the gravity meters at night and be that crazy lady in the woods. But see, people never listen to the crazy lady in the woods, so I probably should get a graduate degree and a job so people will listen to me. Oh and history is really cool. I like history too. Because you can look at history and tell how people were stupid in the past and figure out how to try to keep them from being quite as stupid in the future, but then future people will look back on us and think we were really stupid, so it’s probably a moot point anyway. But it’s still fun to learn about, because it’s like story time, and if you just do science and don’t factor in human stupidity nothing works very well. So you have to have both, you know? You have to study old rocks AND old people. Works better that way. So, see, I’m studying both those things, and if I get really good at it and you give me money I’ll study more, and then maybe I can help keep at least some people from killing themselves through stupidity. Although there are always those few that Darwin gets, but, you know, that’s life! You go along, and one day.....poof! Poof, I say! So, in conclusion, you should give me money. A few thousand would be nice. Just a thought.

Muslims and Mexicans

I'm writing this here because my thoughts on the subject won't fit in a Facebook status.  Perhaps you've heard the news, or perhaps you haven't, that Señor Trump has recently announced his plan to bar Muslims from entering the United States.  I've been hearing and watching the stream of vitriol from this particular candidate for the past months with growing alarm.  I have a good deal of friends who could and might already be affected by the venom this viper spews, and it is for them I write this.

First of all, Mexicans, or Latin Americans in general.  I have a Mexican-born friend who had to leave school suddenly, with no explanation, and I only found out later it was for immigration reasons.  She is not an illegal immigrant.  She was getting a graduate degree, working towards making herself a citizen of great value.  And yet she had to put that all on hold so she could remain legal. About half of the students in my department are from Central or South America.  I have several friends in Mexico, students at the university I visited as a guest lecturer for a week, who are wonderful people, who helped me function with my limited Spanish and awed me with their prowess and skills.  What would they face if they came to my country?  What about the girl I met in the bus station in Mexico,  when I was alone near midnight in a bus station in Guadalajara, I was the only white girl in the station, and I couldn't understand the announcements in the bus terminal, and she immediately took me under her wing, making sure I got on the right bus and got to my destination safely?  Were our places reversed, would she receive the same welcome in my country?  Or would she be treated like a criminal?  Sadly, I think the latter is more accurate.

See, what scares me most is not so much Trump - he is one man spewing crazy.  It is these people who keep supporting him in the polls.  Or even the people who don't support him all the way, but perhaps are quietly grateful for his crazy because it legitimizes their racism and prejudice by contrast.

These people put my friends in danger.  I am legitimately scared for some of my friends, especially my Muslim friends, now.  Or heck, even those who look vaguely Muslim.  Because white people are stupid and can't tell the difference, as the tragic events in Wisconsin show.

Muslims are my friends, they are my teachers, they are my colleagues, they are my neighbors.  And I am scared for them.  I am scared that my friends I met in Canada will never be able to visit me in the United States without fear.  I am scared that some crazy white person could storm one of my classes at Mines, which can easily be half Middle Eastern students.  I am afraid for my friends who are Arab Christians, because white crazy is just going to assume that they are Muslim too.  I am afraid for the Iraqi Christian family at my church, because for the same reason they too are at risk, they who are already refugees, and came to my country as safe haven.  I pray that will not turn into a sick irony.

It was a conversation with one of my dear Muslim friends that got me going back to church after a long hiatus.  Talking with her about her religion made me realize how important mine was to me.   This same friend remembered me on the worst birthday of my life, bringing me a cupcake and a song when I had chained myself to my desk to work after yet another emotional breakdown over my thesis.  And it was an Iranian Muslim friend who quietly told me at a department party that there are still some in world who view America as a good place, an example to the world.  It makes me sick that there are so many in my country who would exclude him unconditionally.  An Arab Christian is helping me survive one of my hardest courses to date now.  Will he be in danger if he doesn't openly wear a cross? I was overjoyed to run into a Turkish friend, who I don't even know if he's Muslim or not, at a scientific conference.  He's also now at risk whenever he comes into my country.

I have heard from some of these friends of extra searches at airports, the difficulties of getting an American visa to merely visit family.  And now we've got this idiot candidate rousing up all the white crazies like the one who recently shot up a Planned Parenthood in Colorado Springs.

I am terrified for my friends.  I am terrified that it's only a matter of time before their rights start getting restricted, before I start hearing of them getting killed for wearing hijab or being in a mosque or looking Arab.  Oh wait, that's already happened, there were the three students in North Carolina.

And no, I am not going to debate the "there are Muslim terrorists!" and "Muslim governments do terrible awful things!" part right now.  I am not talking about terrorists.  I am not talking about governments.  I am talking about people, my people, people I love and respect and admire and care about very, very deeply.

So please, if you as a white/Christian/American person hear someone ranting about "those damn Muslims", shut them down.  Maybe even say something to law enforcement, if you think it's warranted.

Keep my people safe.

A Fading Fear of Faith

I WANT THIS ON MY CAR. NOW.

So I wanted to write about church.  Yup, I go to one.  That seemed like a way scarier statement to make when I lived on the West Coast, than now, where a lecture on campus given by a priest was very nearly standing room only... that was weird for me!  Anyway, I think because I did my undergrad and master's on the West Coast, where things are just a *bit* more liberal in general, I kind of have this skewed vision of how science and religion get along, which may or may not conform to reality.  It actually seems pretty normal at Mines to be religious, at least moderately so.  We don't seem to attract any traveling fire-and-brimstone preachers, anyway.  I kind of miss them... It's way too quiet on this campus without an atheist vs. traveling preacher stand-off now and then!

I've probably just completely undermined my point here, but I wanted to write about the whole I-go-to-church thing because I do think there is a pervasive perception that science and religion aren't compatible.  I think that's true in some cases, for some strains of religious belief, but not for mine.  I think if you believe that the Bible (or other holy text of your choice) is literal, unfailing truth...yeah, science is going to be a bit problematic for you.  That whole "the Earth is 6000 years old thing".... going to cause some issues.

I'm a progressive United Methodist.  I grew up in this church (the "progressive" part came more recently), and I was lucky enough to not grow up in churches that were particularly prone to fire and brimstone.  No one in the church ever told me I couldn't be a scientist!  To be honest, the churches I grew up in were pretty mum about anything controversial.  Oh, there were the usual calls to slow down, spend time with God, be nice to people, but nothing you could really argue with.  I often wishes the churches I grew up in could have been just a little more feisty about...something.  Anything.

The messages I heard, that you couldn't be a scientist and be religious, always came from outside, usually from the world of science.  I'd often hear statements like "Oh, those Christians and their young-Earth ideas"... and I'd always kind of bristle because no church I'd ever attended had preached such things!  But I can definitely understand where science might be just a bit skeptical of faith, Christianity in general.  Though it is now centuries past, the Church's treatment of Galileo still rankles.  And let's not even start on evolution.  Oh dear.  But it's also just a bit hard to swallow, how can a person of faith profess to believe outlandish things like a virgin birth, water from rocks*, and people coming back from the dead, and then still do good science, which rests on the foundation that things must be able to be tested and proven?

*Well, okay, I can see that one being some divinely-inspired geological know-how on Moses's part....

My personal answer to this is that my faith is not just a checklist of things I do and don't believe.  I'll be 100% honest, I have a really hard time wrapping my head around the physical reality of the virgin birth, or Jesus' resurrection, two events that are pretty dang essential to my faith!  I do believe in God, though, that I'm pretty sure of.  For me, the belief in God is the sense of a presence that I simply know to be there.   Even when I realize I'm probably never going to accept the resurrection as physical, unassailable fact, I know I can't shake the feeling that there is a God.  I've come to accept that there are certain elements of my faith that I'll probably never be able to come to terms with, but this doesn't mean I can't have a faith.  I am also lucky enough to have found a church here that makes it very clear that there is no litmus test of faith required to be a part of the church - I am allowed and encouraged to think, reason, and disagree.

Speaking of my church brings me to discuss the real reason I'm often nervous to share with people that I'm Christian and that I attend church.  The church I currently attend is a Reconciling United Methodist Church, meaning that this is a United Methodist Church that is actively working to fully include LGBTQ+* persons in the life of the church.  This means they are welcome to church, to communion, to being married in the church, to everything that any straight, cis-gendered person person would be able to access in the church.

*Please forgive me if I use any incorrect terminology for the rest of this article.  It is not my intent to harm by using language that has become hurtful over time, but I'm not always as on top of things as I should be.  If I have used any language that is now considered hurtful or offensive, I welcome any corrections in the comments.

This, for me, is huge.  I'm cis-gendered and straight, by the way.  But for a very long time, I was reluctant to openly identify as Christian because, as far as I knew, all Christians were supposed to be against homosexuality or anything of that sort because it was a sin.  This seemingly institutionalized hatred, to me, always seemed far more of a sin than being born gay or lesbian, or being trans.  This also seemed to fly in the face of how my parents had taught me to treat people.  So, for a long time, it seemed to me that to be Christian was a form of sin in itself, because to be Christian required to me to exclude certain persons in a way that seemed very out of touch with what I had thought Christ had taught.  I have friends and family who are gay or lesbian, and the last thing I wanted was for them to feel unwelcome, excluded, dirty, because of my faith!

So for most of undergrad I stayed away from Christianity, although I missed the hymns and ceremony of the church services that had been such a consistent part of my childhood.  I also never quite gave up on God - I stopped really thinking about Him much for a while, but I never quite lost the feeling that He was there.

I'm having a hard time remembering when this started to change.  I think some time around the beginning of grad school, I began to hear bits now and then that a different kind of Christianity existed.  I had a few friends from high school who were openly Christian, and I think they may have posted a few things on Facebook suggesting a different interpretation of the relationship between homosexuality and Christianity.  I think the watershed moment was when I ran across the documentary "Fish Out of Water".  I was quite literally bawling when I came to the end of the film, in fact, I'm tearing up now having watched only the trailer!  The film documents the struggles of Christian gays and lesbians, but most crucially, offers alternative interpretations of the Biblical texts used to condemn homosexuality in the church, and documents the works of churches already working to fully include gays in lesbians in the church, including allowing them to marry the people they love.  This film showed me a way out.

The way that was shut to me now seemed open again.  I could be Christian and not be evil!  It may sound ridiculous to some to say such a thing, but before I learned about this new progressive Christianity it really did seem to me that to be Christian was to be forced to be evil, was to be required to be unwelcoming and hurtful.  Now I had learned that I could practice my faith, and actually follow the teachings of Christ, not in shunning or trying to reform "sinners", but rather in welcoming those who had been previously marginalized and shut out.

Around the same time, I encountered a fellow graduate student in Earth sciences who let slip that he was actually an Evangelical Christian.  Wait, what?? That was possible?  To be Christian and a scientist?  An Earth scientist??? That was allowed??  Suddenly more Christians in our department appeared from the woodwork, and we actually had a small Bible study going, still the only one I've ever attended in my life.  It was awesome - we had three Evangelicals, three Catholics, a Serbian Orthodox, and me, the random United Methodist.  I was absolutely terrified to bring my Bible to campus, and oh, the walk down the hall to the little room where we met, trying to hide the little black book all the way, oh that was awful.  I was quite literally in a cold sweat the whole time.

But it was worth it - for the first time, I was finally able to ask questions, and even if they often weren't answered, we at least had discussion, questioning, talk, the kind of conversation I'd never had when I was growing up.  I'm sure that was at least partly an age thing, but I think it was also the church I went to  - as a youth, Christianity seemed to be presented as more about rock and roll church and singing praise songs than discussing faith and learning theology.  I was always the weird one, so I never felt included or confident enough to ask questions.  Yet now, I had a small community of faithful just as weird as me, who weren't afraid of my questions, and didn't force their own faiths down my throat, as I'm (still) always afraid of when meeting other Christians.  They shared their views, and I mine, and we had long, winding discussions, and it was wonderful.

I eventually found a church in Vancouver, where I was living at the time.  It ending up a rather  hilarious situation... Because I had never felt comfortable in modern churches, I purposely sought out a more traditional church.  Having an organ was a requirement!  The first church I visited in my area, I think one person talked to me.  The second church I visited was in a completely different part of town, but I ended up staying there, because immediately at the end of the service I had about 5 people coming over to talk to me!  In hindsight, this was probably mostly because I was a 23 year old who had just showed up in a church where the average age was about 65....

That was a wonderful church, though.  I loved the old-style hymns they played, I was recruited into the choir my second week there by the choir director who had the most amazing dry wit, and the sermons were both progressive and mentally stimulating.  Best of all though, I found what I had never experienced before in a church - a community.  Even though I was about 40 years younger than most of the people at the church, I felt included in a way I had never before.  Despite the older demographic, I was also in a welcoming and accepting church - the second pastor who came while I was there was openly gay, and the head of the United Church at that time was also openly gay.  The people at the church loved the pastor, and didn't hide it.  They also loved me, and didn't hide that either!

When I moved back to Denver for grad school round two, I knew I needed to find a church like the one I had left behind in Vancouver.  By this time I had heard about the Reconciling movement in the United Methodist Church, so I knew this was where I needed to search.  My search algorithm was pretty simple - Reconciling, and has an organ.

I found what I was looking for at Christ Church United Methodist.  This is actually the only church I ever visited in Denver, but I've never felt an urge to look elsewhere.  Just as with my church in Canada, I was recognized as new on my first visit and welcomed by several people.  And, oh, they had a real pipe organ! And they played it, too!  I also got a good read on the culture of the church my first Sunday - it was Super Bowl Sunday, and all the choir had made orange stoles to go with their blue robes, and I think there may have been confetti...  The sermons were intellectually engaging and morally stimulating, engaging with Biblical texts in ways I had never heard before.  I think it was on my second or third visit that the pastor reminded the congregation that he would be performing same-sex marriages, in defiance of the official doctrine of the United Methodist Church.  This is the church I'll be joining, officially, on Sunday.

These amazing women have actually gotten married something like 7 times now, as marriage laws have changed over time in the different places they've lived.  I think this photo is likely #6, at my church!

I'm getting a bit better about being scared to announce that I'm Christian, because I'm much more comfortable about what that means now.  It doesn't mean I sweep under the rug all the pain that has been caused by my religion both now and in the past - I acknowledge it, and it grieves me deeply.  I do not deny that to call myself Christian connects me with countless acts of hate and cruelty across the ages.  What I know now is that it is my duty as a Christian to undo what I can of that pain, by trying to live out what Christianity should be - welcoming, loving, and affirming of all peoples.  I need to witness to the reality that my faith can be welcoming to those that have been marginalized in the past, that we can do our best to listen and make better.

Claiming my identity as a Christian also gives me that much more purpose in my work as a scientist.  Because I am Christian, I am charged to make the work that I have been called to do the very best I can.  This means I must be ethical and honest in my work, and give accurate results that will be good and useful for others.  It means I must support my fellow scientists.  It means that as a female scientist, I must stay the course so that I can hold open the door so that others like me can follow, and keep it open for others for whom it is now only barely opening.  Science isn't just something I do because I love it and it pays a decent salary, it's something I do because I feel called it.

And oh my goodness, science is where I have so many of my religious experiences!  Fourier series, GCV, wavelets, inversion, VOLCANOES, agh, to think that we have a world where these things work!  Isn't that amazing???

....*Hem*, okay reigning in the slightly crazy religious fanatic here.  Although I suppose raving about God in the context of Fourier series is slightly better than eternal damnation?

I hope I haven't come across as trying to convert anyone with this post.  That wasn't the intention.  I simply wanted to share something I'm really excited about, and if it's something that makes you excited too, great!  We can go babble about the holiness of inversion together.  But more seriously, I wanted to share my story because I've realized in this past year how important stories can be.  Stories give us options, stories give us understanding, insight onto new perspectives we might not have encountered before.  Before I started to hear stories about progressive Christianity, I despaired of ever being able to practice my faith with integrity again - now I don't.  More recently, before I heard the life stories of some of the amazing women in my field, I feared getting stuck on an oil and gas track for life - now I don't.  So I hope this little outburst of mine perhaps helps someone out there realize - there are options.  There are alternatives.  There are many stories to be told.

Feelings on Feminism

I actually wrote this about a month or so ago, but am posting it now because the (male) professor in my "Intro to Research Ethics" class (not actually as dry as it sounds) praised the fact that I had written about how being a woman in a traditionally male-dominated field is actually a pretty big driving force propelling me forward in geophysics.  I felt pretty intensely uncomfortable about being "revealed" publicly as a feminist, even in a positive sense.  The conflicting feelings I felt today - wanting to stand behind what I wrote, but feeling a great deal of trepidation over being "outed" as a feminist, reminded me of this post I wrote some weeks ago.  Also the fact that I actually had something of a night off, for once... 

The few weeks during which there was an uproar over a certain shirt were a bit jarring for me.  Mostly, because I was just shocked at the denial that the shirt was sexist*, in such tones as to suggest that this denial was simply common sense. I’m not going to jump into the argument over whether or not the shirt was sexist, because I’ve already done that, and that’s part of why I felt the need to write this.  I feel the need to explain a bit about why I keep posting all those articles, why I don’t post some other articles, why I am feminist, and why I felt a bit queasy about writing that last phrase.  

*The context in which the shirt was worn being a HUGE part of this

First, what I post and what I don’t post.  I would like to point out that the article I posted about the blankety-blank shirt was actually an attempt to move on from the issue.  The article I posted described how a female scientist saw the shirt, and did her own remake by photo-shopping the visages of notable female scientists onto the shirt, transforming the shirt from a symbol of latent sexism and microagression to a celebration of women’s contributions to science.  This is the kind of article I like to post, because there are few things that turn me off more than an angry diatribe*.  Mostly, though, I feel there are plenty of articles floating around about all the things that are wrong, and not enough about what to do about it.  I may be disadvantaged in terms of my gender, but this is very much not the case where race is concerned.  From my white perspective, I know how frustrating it is to be told always what NOT to do, and be always be wondering what I could possibly do to help and not hinder.  So when I find articles that offer helpful instruction, or information about methods that work to lessen the obstacles that women face in today’s society, those are the ones that I try to share. 

*although sometimes those are very much needed.

I also delight in sharing encouraging stories, when I can, about awesome women doing awesome things.  The article I posted related to the @#$@#$ shirt falls in this category.  One of my qualms about many of the feminist articles I read is the overall tone of doom and gloom (more on this later), and so I try to alleviate this when I can, as much for my own sake as anyone else’s.

Of course, I’m human, so I will occasionally go on a brief (say, two or three) article posting spree.  I actually just took a spin through my Facebok feed from the last nine months or so, and was somewhat confused to find very few posts on feminism.  So either I don’t post as much as I think I do or Facebook is hiding things.  Not really sure.  ANYWAY, most of the articles/videos/etc that I avoid posting are the gut-reaction ones, you know, the pictures that have some poignant picture and some sassy one phrase statement.  I may get a kick out of them sometimes, but I generally avoid sharing them because I don’t think they help.  I think they give those of us “in the feminist club” a thing to chuckle about, and give those “outside the club” another thing to get pissed off at.  So nothing is really accomplished.  I’d much rather help people see a reason to listen, and make them think.  Unfortunately, this strategy means posting a bunch of long articles I’m pretty sure not a lot of people read. 

So why care?  Well, for one, selfish interests.  I’m a woman in a male dominated field.  For most of the time I’ve worked there, my office has had one woman in the building – me.  We’ve recently hired a full time female geophysicist*, so now that’s increased to all of two.  Out of about twenty five or so humans in the whole building.  I will say right now that any bad experiences I’ve had related to my gender have been very, very mild, mostly just loneliness and a sense of having to be extra awesome to adequately represent my gender.  But there is something really off about these gender ratios!  Other selfish interest – I haven’t faced much gender discrimination or violence yet, but that doesn’t mean I won’t sometime in the future.  I’ve already had the experience of having a stalker for several years,  I regularly have to strategically avoid certain men at social dance events, and our advisors had to specifically tell the women in our research group to be aware of bad situations prior to our sponsors' meeting.**  I’ve had friends who have faced worse – leaving their careers because of hostile work environments, abuse, rape.

*Who did the survey planning for a 4-D gravity survey I may end up studying, fan girl swoon.

**I will say I’m very glad they were open about this, instead of sweeping it under the rug as a shameful thing that was only the women’s fault.  This shows awareness and integrity, and I salute them for it.

It is hard to un-see a thing once it is seen.  I have read so many articles on the challenges women face, particularly in science, that it is hard now not to automatically notice gender ratios at a conference, see who is presented as “successful” in an article*, notice who professors will praise and who they only mention, notice how all the founding scientists of geophysics are men.  I get tired of noticing all the extra things I have to think about as a female – is it safe to walk down this street?  Is this guy talking to me a threat or just friendly?  Do I need to stop dancing with this guy before he gets “ideas”?  

*All men, surprise. Should really have saved that article link, sorry.

It all gets me just a bit riled up.  It’s hard for me, sometimes, to imagine a reality in which I wouldn’t have to think about these things as a matter of daily life – the reality of a white male.  He only has to think about these things if he decides to, for me, it’s my reality all the time.  And I know it is so, so much worse for other women.  I’ve been rather ridiculously lucky to have the worse thing to happen to me be a few minor stalking episodes.  I can’t imagine having to deal with the trauma of something worse, AND being the only one around who will speak up about the societal systems that make such things common.  So because I have been relatively unscathed, I feel it’s my duty to speak up, as someone who’s “made it” so far.

And now for why I cringe at calling myself “feminist”.  Part of it’s a personality quirk.  I’m extremely contrarian by nature, so I instinctively hate associating myself with a label or a group.  For the same reason I cringe at calling myself “environmentalist”, even though I probably for all intents and purposes am*.  But on a deeper level, I worry about what all this does to me, on both an internal and external level.  I don’t deny that feminism needs to be a thing.  There’s too much stupid stuff in the world that just needs to change.  However, it gets exhausting being angry so much.  It is hard to un-see things, and harder to know that if I want to call them out I’m going to have to fight an uphill battle against very entrenched mindsets.  The anger is insidious, and more than once I have felt the danger of it poisoning friendships and relationships.  I am not a vindictive person, and I do not like finding I am angry at someone.  But because I am a faulty human being, I often find it hard to separate a person from their views, when those view run counter to something that is so very important to me, both as an issue and as a reality of my life. 

*which is just FUN when the research you love is funded by the extraction industries….

I also worry how my feminist views affect how people see me.  I wonder if employers, who is my field are pretty likely to be older white males, are going to find out about my feminist views and associations and think, oh, here is a white hot flaming feminist, she won’t do good work in our mostly male company. She is emotional and irrational, we don’t want her.  I wonder how my friends see me – do they see me as fiery emotional feminist firebrand on fire?  It is so important to me that people be able to talk to me, and the idea that people might not talk to me for fear of being attacked distresses me, all the more so because I know what that feels like in my identity as a White Upper-Middle Class Anglo Saxon Protestant American.  I don’t want to inflict that on my friends!  

Nonetheless, there are the people who quietly tell me that reading some article I posted empowered them, or helped them realize a difficult situation wasn’t actually just them being weak.  I’ve had older women tell me on more than one occasion to keep fighting, to not let slide the gains they made in their generation.  And that is very heartening.  But I am a pacifist at heart, and I find it hard to come to terms with the fact that sometimes conflict is necessary in order to fix things that need fixing.

So why am I still feministing?  Well, I’m a very stubborn optimist, and a lover of history.  At the SEG, we had a panel of prominent women in geophysics speak about their experiences in geophysics.  Something I have been thinking about a lot lately, when I am feeling overwhelmed by all the stupid resistance one can get for daring even to criticize a @%^% shirt:  would these women, one of whom was the first ever female PhD in EM (electromagnetism) and another who still remains the only female president of the SEG, have believed that one day I’d be in a geophysics research group that was slightly over 50% female?  Would they have believed that I would make it to the second half of my master’s before I realized, oh wait a minute, some people think I’m not supposed to do this?  I’d like to think they would have.  So I’m going to stubbornly believe that today’s trolls will be tomorrow’s history lessons, that the idea of not having equal numbers of women and men at an engineering school will be something for my children to gasp and giggle at.  That someday, I won’t have to explain to a man why a shirt is sexist, and I won’t even see the shirt in the first place.  I’m hoping that some day I’ll have some really hair-raising stories, and that they will be just that – stories, and no longer reality.

Tortuous Translations

I'm rather certain the sender of this email on one of my listservs did not intend this to be the message.... nonetheless, I do hope you enjoy Google's automated translation of the garble of Chinese characters I received in my inbox.  I've bolded my favorite bits....Pigwash soup, anyone?

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Chu Ying Mengqianyaban ഊ 㼠 䵡 ⁡ Chu Chu Shi Shi Zhen Jing ⁤ tumultuous collapse ⁡ Yu Ying Jianshenmenglv Xi Mang Lai Hui ਿ⁍ consider Mojinmichu Mengqianyaban ⁵ Xi to ⁳ Shekeyulan ⁢ peg confused Chung Ⱐ Lvshuojinmo Buliegushu ⁷ dare Huiwen ഊ 㼠 䍯 Shaomoyuwen ⁡ Jing ⁶ Xiazhijujiao Quanmeimojing Jujinmochu Mengqianyapan Cheng Lai ਿ⁁ Didunyushen Fangningchaohui Kuoguyingai  ⁤ Zhi Zhen Han Tang Zhimin ⁩ Jingkuiyaban  Yingtumianlv Jin Gai Jin Mei ੰ Gulangdaoqu ਍੅ Sha knock 楥 Minmolvjin Qichuyinglai Tanzhenmeijin ⁡ ⽯ Shi Ju Zhuqiaojuchu Shemengwujin  Sheqiaoyubian ⁢ Ci ഊ 䕍 Cheng ⁩ Ceonai Jiaobanyudan ⁓ Tanmoshuquan matter Xia Lian Wan  Banliantongyong ⁡ Qujingsanqiang tide  Mei Mei Guxiaohuangmo ੰ Fanghanmuyang Miyutiantang Tianyunfangnan Weiyangxiacong ⁔ bridge ⁩ Nanqiangyuxia Tian Lu Jing ⁴ indignant desert canal Alto  䩅 Ci ੳ knock scabies Wan ⁣ Chaoqiangguantian Lvshuoxunyi ⁡ Wumutianlao  Weijinluolao Zhi Qiangliantongyong ⁩ Ceonshuoxunzong Ke ⸍਍੅ Gumayangmo Laozhi Jianshisongshe ⁡ Fang Ai Sha ⁥ Sanwenshuolang ⁨ Tan stabbed consider ⁍⹓⸠ dig into account pigwash ⁡⁐ Er 䐮 ੤ Qifangmichu ⁧ Min Veterinary 楥 Mianmolvshuo Zhuqiaojufang Wuwenshuomo Shouyugutu Ceonchuquwen Chuyingbowen matter Jinceon ഊ Fangjiaomanshe ⸠ Boom ⁡ gray tumultuous Ⱐ Jianshisongshe Ai ⁳ Yingsheshuobei ⁴ desert 㼍 ਍2 Jue Hui 㨯 ⽪ Huangxianwuwan ⹥ She ⽡ Huigujianpan Tuanshengyingdu Manke PLAY Tushishungang 䩯 Shang whole Lianbianwennou ⹪ hunting 㽰 Tu Chung Ying 䥤 㴱 㜹 ㈲ 㐠 ഊഊഊ Lvshuosheshi homes ⁡ ⁣ Hei knock  entire Wen climb ⁃ suck ⁳ Shiwenyapan  Yingfangjiaoman homes ⁩ Banqiaoaicuo Ⱐ consider stabbed ഊ Yu Yatuandaoban Guantianchujing Si Shedunqulao ⁴ quince knock Xia Yan ⁲ London Wan Xian ⁁ gray Gujianyingchao ⁲ 楥 Zhen Ji Mian Lu Jing Chu  ੢ Drainage Xi Hongyangdenju ㄬ '〱 㐬 ⁡ Shen Shi ⁷ peg Daobanchulue ⁵ ⁴ bridge ⁰ peg Ban Tu Dichunqumei 0 peg Zhili ⁔ bridge ⁥ Shasanwenshuo Mengmantianxi Wen ⁦ pigwash ⁴ bridge ⁰ Tu Tidunqumei ⁊ consider Gai special ‱ Ⱐ㈰ ㄵ ⸍਍੔ bridge ⁳ Shi dark ⁳ Liexiayingmeng ⁷ peg Shen Alto ⁥ Gumayangmi Lang ⁡ gray tumultuous ⁦ pigwash ⁥ Huaqiaoyushen Fangjiaomanshe 0 ⁡ Shi Chung Mu Mount ⁴ bridge ⁰ Tuti Shunqulujing ⁰ revolves scabies Tang  Huishaozhaodong Ai Ying Chao She ⁦ pigwash ⁣ Song Chu Ying ഊ Chutangxunshi Xia Tian Hui Fangjiaomanshe ⁵ ⁴ Bay Bridge ⁅ Jing Shen Ti 䄠 energy efficient compact fluorescent  ⁷ & T. knock ⁦ accustomed peg Qing Lian Shi 楥 Ceon ഊ Wuyangmoshe ⁒ frieze Nang ⁏ knock ⁥ & T. Chemengchuying Bulieguying 䕡 contravene Tian Ren Ai ⁡ wine container 楥 Hunmolvshuo three remaining Wan Han Tang Zhimin⁉ 䍐 ⵍ Carpenter ⡷ Direnwujiao Yu ⁦ Guanqiadici Jingjuqiangguan Mijingyangxia Tian consider Shuomeizhukui frieze ੡ Yuxiongjiaowei ⁰ Langqubengu Mei Shi Shi  SHE knock ⁡ ⁡ Quan Ying Zhen Mei Ai ⁦ peg ⁤ pigwash ⁳ Gaojinaimei  ੐ ⵔ⁳ sooner Ying Yang Huo pile Ai Ⱐ 䙔 䥒 Ⱐ quiet gushing measured ⁓ 䕍 ⁔ 䕍 Hedgehog Hedgehog Hedgehog ⁘ cut the throat ⁘ Wo ⁦ pigwash ⁶ Man Dun jyo ⁳ sooner Xiangxi Mi. ഊ Shemanguanwen Wuseyingchao Ⱐ Jing Shen energy efficient compact fluorescent ⁷ ⁷ elata Mimuyongmo flooded ⁣ Tan Jin Ling Shi Ying Chao Shi 楥 ⁦ accustomed peg offer ഊഊ 䙯 Chu Ju Ju Qi Jing Si contravene bridge canal consider deterrence Dun Nan stabbed knock 楥 hedgehog ⁣ tide Ou Tang Shi Song ⁒ number / compact fluorescent pestle Hong Ou Tang number resentful ഊ ⡒ ⹄ Qianchuhongxie matter Wan ⹥ She ⤮ഊഊ left Wan ⁕ Tongzhengmushi Cimei ⁡ Drainage 䕱 Gaishenbaideng contravene Mu Shiying 䅦 Dinner Sishejiemo 䅣 Ying Chao ⁅ Lianhongxiangpao ഊഊഊ Yan Ze ਍ਭ ჰ ഊ ⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭო ੒ Ou Tang number / compact fluorescent pestle Hong Min Min Yu Wen ⁐ ਍ੁ angry dog ​​angry dog ​​revolves Han pigwash ഊ 䑥 contravene wet Ban Lan Ying 䕡  contravene Ren 楥 Zhimin wine container lintel Mi. Nie Ying Jie ੒ knock Huishu ഊ 㘱 〰⁍ canal but Lian Fang entire Ⱐ 䵓 ‱ ㈶ഊ 䡯 jyo Lang measured ⁔ Baihe 㜷 〰 㔬 ⁕ ten ഊ Ci 㨠 ⬱ⴷ ㄳ ⴳ 㐸 ⴲ 㘶 㐍 ੆ Chi 㨠 ⬱ⴷ ㄳ ⴳ 㐸 ⴵ㈱ 㐍 ਍2 Jue sound of water ⼯ Gaijuanyishi ⹲ Meinangkening number contravene ഊ ⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭო ਍ਭ ⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭჰ Quan Hua Tu ⁰ Mantian ⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭⴭ ഊ═ 䑆 ⴱ⸵ ഊ┿ 㼍 ਱〠〠 Huang Ze ਼ 㰯 䱩 Tumanrouke ‱ a still "㜳 㠲 ⽏ ‱ ㈯ 䔠 ㌲ 㜹 ㄯ Qiu ㄯ bark ㌷〸〯 䠠 Can 㐵 㠠 ㄵ ㉝ 㸾 ഊ Xia Zhi palpable ഊ ††††††††† ഊ ㄷ ‰  palpable ഊ 㰼 ⽄ Sanrunchenman Yi Yu Nan Shan 㰼 ⽃ ‴ contrast Fangmozongshao ‱ ㈾㸯 䙩 Bian dirty knock ⽆ unwinding Tang Wen 䑥 Month 䑛 㰲 〱 䄵 㤸 䕆 䌸 㠶 㙃 ㅅ 䍅 䉂 ㉅㉁㉄ 㤸 䌳 㘾 㰲 䐱 〷 䕄 㔶 䉄 䐸 〴 㜹 䘱 䅄 㔷 㠱 㐱 䔲 䘲 㠾 Yin 䥮 Tangceok ㄰ ‱ 㙝 Month Sheng desert 㤠 〠 Geng 䱥 Chung & T. `㘯 Cai Zhen" 㜰 㠱 ⽒ Xun Tian ㄱ ‰ ⁒ from forming Rou Mi. ㈶ running water Gaozhishidun ⽗ Mun '‱ Yao 㹳 tinkling of gems Yi Si 2 㽢 twitch Guai fork ഊ Ȓ ౾ 䀿㼑 㼇 ␿ 㼉 㼿 㼿 troubled 䠉 ̣ Nai 㼀 Ć 㼇 㽥 Shimengfangyin ഊ palpable Xia Zhi Xuan ഊ Mengmanbinfang ਰ ഊ┥ 䕏 䘍 ਠ ††† ਲ 㔠 〠 Bian Huang Ze ਼ 㰯 䙩 knock ⽆ dirt Wen 䑥Month ‸ 㤯 䰠 unwinding Tang Xia Qianren 㘸 㜳 a still from forming "㠾 㹳 tinkling of gems Yi Si 2 㽠 Guaiqueyihuai 㼿 㼿 జ ഊ 㼿 Qie 㼿 㼿 㽢 㼿 ݐ 㼿 㼿 ᤿ ഊ 㼀 Shu Xia ࠭ഊ Kouqiangyisi ੥ Shi Huang Huang Ze Ze ਱ ㄠ 〠 ਼ 㰯 䵥 Shi Xi Shi '‰ ⁒ contrast Hui Dimanjingceon 㘠 〠 Gengzhanlaiceon 㠠 〠 Geng Yi Quan ⽃ deterrence Qinzhen 㸾 ഊ Xia Zhi palpable ഊ ㄲ ‰  palpable ഊ 㰼⽃ Chaowenbanceon ㄴ ‰ ⁒ ⽃ Guzeshanying ‰ "ㄲ ‷ 㤲 Yin 䵥 Moyongshanying ‰" ㄲ ‷ 㤲 Yinzhanfangban ‸ ‰ ⁒ ⽒ Aisarenai ‱ 㠠 〠 Gengfushiwen ‰ running water Gaozhizhanlai 㸾 ഊ Xia Zhi palpable ഊ ㄳ ‰  palpable ഊ 㰼 ⽆ peg Wencheng 䙬 Shewusanrun support 䙩 Mutian 㐸 a still Qiu Xia Qian Ren 㔹 ㄯ 㜯 Yiquan ⽏ palpable but send 㹳 tinkling of gems Yi Si 2 㼿Wan 㼔 㼿 㼿 manually ≕ 㼠 ჭ 㼿 㼿 㼇 㝸 㼩 ᜿ 㼚 㼕 㼿 䥼 basket 㼿 㽠 䍠 㼇 Ping 㼃 㼿 㠿 ⸅ 㼝 ɷ 㼿 㼿 ഊ 㼿 㼿 㼞 Juan 㼼 䘑 㼿 㼿 㼿 㼴 㼿 ᭞ 㑵 㽈 㼤 㼿 䤿Geng 㘲 Hou 㼿 㽩 㼿 La 㼿 㼿 㼿 Qian alkali children create ㍠␙ Meng ؿ Dai 㽆 Gui 㽴 㽤 㼠 ᰲሿ 㼿 pulp ഊ ᠿ 㼿 ᬚ Fan ℶⴸ 㼿 grid 㼿 㼰 Jiangxi 㼿 㼔 䬿 㼿 Wu 㼗 diarrhea 㼿 ⴿ ὸ 㽋 beast 㔿 㼨┱ ᄝ 〿 䔲 䭍 ⡑ 㽔 㼿 㼔 㽱 㵙 㔿 ᘳ Hu 㽑 㼩 ⑐ 㼨 humble Jiu Ba 㼿 㼌 㼿 㽦 䐿 㼪 㼿 㼡 Gui 㔿 㽸 㼿 㼿 Ἦ 䁎 㼿 ి 㼯 ഊ 㼿 㼴 㼿 㼿 㽋 㼿 㼿 㽿 㼿: ᨿ 㽄 㼿 ୃ ⴮〿 㼱 㽣 㼿 FILE ᘿ Hey 㼱 㽽 Tian Կ SDWK 㽽 political 㥰 ༿ Jian 㼿 㽉 ⽘ 㽧 㼿 㼿 㼿 䀿 㼺 㼿 㼿 㼿 䘿 gall 㼿 ፾ 㽧 㼿 㼈 ∿ 㼙 ᘭ 㼿 㽺 ܿ ؿ times ਿ Ć 㼿Shu ੥ Shimengfangyin ഊ Xia Zhi palpable ഊ ㄴ ‰  palpable ഊ 㰼 ⽆ peg Wencheng 䙬 Shewusanrun support 䱥 Chung & T. '㐶 㤾 㹳 tinkling of gems Yi Si 2 yrs old 㽘 㼕 㼿 䔿 㼿 㼿 㼿 㽌 㽀 ␤Π䠿 ‿ plug 㼿 㼑 㼿 Luo 㼿 ᭽ 㽴 㼿 alkali 㼿 㽩 㼿 OilPainting 㼿 㽠 ᬿ 㽾 㼿 䐳 㼿 䝳 㘿 㼿 㼻 㼿 㼿 ᘿా 㽴 㼿 㽤 㽍 㼿 㽤 Sao 㼿 㼿 㽫 ☷ 㼷 㼿 㼿 㼿 㼿 ᤿ 㼿 㽸 㽜㼿 㽂 㼋 㼹 ⱳ 㼾 㼂 㼿 ጿ 㽮 㼿 㼿 㼿 㤿 㽾 Jia 㼿 POINT 㼿 㼹 Ṋ 䕙 㼿 㼿 㼧 㼎 㼬 Pie 㼿 Yan Hui 㙪 㽛 㼿 㼖 㼿 ᘿ 㼿 ጽ basket Kuangxian 㼿 㼿 㼿 〹 㼿 㼿 㼿 Xiang draft 㼿 wail ㄯ 㽵 㽇 㼿 ጲ E miasma 㽙 㼿 㼿 㼸 ༸ 㼿 䜿 cat 㼳 Ը 㼿 ᐿ 㼿 Jian 㼣 ဈ Kuang 㼿 ୋ ഊ Yan 㼿 㥗 K 㼖 alkali ⬿ paint 㼰 㽹 㼉 Hey 㽚 㼿 㼿 㼕 㼿 㼿 Nai 㼿 䤿Houlu 㽥 㼿 㼿 㼿 㼿 䩖 㼗 ͹ Mu 䤑 Liu 㼿 㼿 ᘧ 㼕 hinder ࠿ 㽫 ࠿ declare The 㼿 alkali ⵞ ొ 㼐 㼍 ਿ 㽓 㽝 㼳 㼿 㽲 㽇 POINT 㼮 㽓 㼿 㼿 㼿 㼘 㼿 ⸿ 㽘 㼿 ᠿ Sao 㼥 㽛 ⰿ ㈿ഊ 㼴 䁀 ؿ 㼿 Bai Yu 㬛 㼿 㼿 㼠 㕨 㽭 㸿 E 㼿 㼜 㼦 ሿ 穨 㼿 㼍 ਼℟ 㼨 䐿 public bathhouse 㼍 ੻ 䨈 㼿 㼡 䍍 Fu Hu ̿ children ㈿ 㼿 ㈞ book 㽸 㔿 㽩 㽫 㰿 㼿 㽅 Կ㼿 ဿ ⼵ Ḵ 㼿 㽊 ape genus 㼕 Mo ㈿ 㘿 ̿ thiophene advocate 㼔 㼂 㕒 㨣 㼿 㽶 ؝᰿ 㽩 㽒 㼿 㽋 㼒 㼫 㼱 㼿 㼿 Gou 㼿 䁑 ഊ 㼿 Hey 㼿 㽺 ✿ POINT ᜕ 㼿 㼿 alkali children ᄿ 㼿 㼛㼿 Ga ⌙ 䜿 㼩 㽅 not hide 㜹 ᤿ 㽯 㼿 ⸿ 㼿 discontented with oneself 㼿 㼼 㽢 㠿 䐛 㼿 㽎 㼯 㼿 ‿ 㽹 ᄿ 㼞 㼿 㼿 㼻 㼣 ि 㼿 㼆 ฿ ㌩ 㼿 Mo debt 㼿 㽓 Wuchengyingxiao ṍ Fan 㼿 㼿㼮 willing Chan 㤿 㼍 ਿ Chuang 㼚 ഊ⥄ 㼿 䜿 㼿 morpholino 㼚 㽟 ᐿ paper it 7 㼿 ᠿ 㽮 㼿 ഊ ȕ 䤿 ㈿ Fu hide 㼿 ape 㽶 㽴 㼿 Fu Shan 䕯 㤿 㼿 㼿 㼿 㼁 䈁 㼿 㼐 㼿 Yi ape ȿ 㼿☿ᬿ Ba Shan 㼿 㼿 㼨 㽊 㼿 㼎 ᘔ Da 㼹 㼿 CANCEL POINT 䤱 㼿 ℓᱜԿ 㼿 Yan 㽲 㼍 ਃ 㼎 㼿 political ᰔ 㼿 ᨿഊ 㽒 㼼 ✿ᠿ 㽪 㼿 㼿 ㈽ goblet Etan ⴿ Peng 㼿 㽼 㼿 㘿 cliff 䬿 ᴿ㼿 㼿 Jiu 䬎 㼿 㼿 The factory 㽺 㽭 㼈 㼿 ⌿ Dai Xiang ugly ┿⑻ⅽ 㼿 each ᄿ 㤿 㽵 㬿 㼿 ᰿ 㼿 㼿 㽎 㼿 Yan Yue 㼿 ✿ You 㼸 㼃 㼿 㼒 㽭 square 㼿 discontented with oneself 

Multiple Magnificent Mathematicians

This is not a rant!  Nor is it a long-winded reflection on a topic of interest to me.  Nay, it is a fan tribute of the geekiest kind!

You see, I simply must tell you about two amazing mathematicians I encountered in recent ramblings on Wikipedia.  Well, I say ramblings, but really I was turning to Wikipedia in desperation for SOME sort of plain English description of two rather hairy (but very very cool) mathematical thingamabobs*.  Oh, and did I mention they're female**?

*I am absolutely certain there's a more correct term, but I am completely blanking right now on what that would be.  This is what two finals after three years of no exams will do to a person.
**The mathematicians.  Not the thingamabobs.  In English, at least, mathematical thingamabobs have no gender.  Also, the mathematicians do not appear to be particularly hairy.

Thigamabob #1: Wavelets.  Of the Daubechies kind.

Wavelets are COOL.  What is a wavelet, you cry?  Well, you know sine curves?  Those things you had to mess with in trig*?  Well, a wavelet is kind of like just a little part of a sine curve.  Sine curves, you see, don't end.  They just go on and on and on FOREVER going up and down, up and down, etc etc.  Wavelets, on the other hand, go up once (or a few times), down once (or a few times), and then they're done.  That's it.  That's all you get.

*For the record, I hated trig.  Although that was more to do with having a teacher who hated teaching, and was one year away from retirement.  I still, however, shudder when my sister asks me for help with trig identities...

THIS IS A SINE CURVE!  It goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on....

This is a wavelet.  It doesn't.

So WHY are they cool?  Well, first I have to tell you about a Fourier Transform.  DON'T PANIC.  They're awesome too.  Okay, who here plays a musical instrument/sings?  Oh heck, who here listens to music?  That would be everyone.  Okay.  Great.  SO.  A note is caused by something (Piano string, vocal chords, rubber bands, kazoos...) vibrating at a specific frequency.  If you were to track the position of that vibrating thing over time, and make a graph of the position of the thing as time went on, you would get a sine curve (or a cosine shifted by π/2, if you're feeling frisky).  The frequency of the sine curve, which is what determines what note you get, is the time (distance on the graph), between the bumps on the sine curve.  When the bumps are closer together, you get higher notes/higher frequencies, and when the bumps are farther apart, you lower notes/frequencies.

Okay, still with me?  So, say you have a chord.  A chord is made of different notes, so different frequencies.  So if you plotted the movement of the vibrating music thingy over time, you would get something that looks kind of complicated:

LIKE THIS.  Bit more complicated, eh?

So, what if we want to know what notes are in that chord, just by looking at that curve?  Well, it's pretty hard just looking at that curve.  You could make a guess, but it'd be hard.  This is where Fourier transforms come in!!  A Fourier transform takes your complicated sine curve, and turns it into a plot of the different frequencies, and how strong those frequencies are:

LIKE THIS.  See, the spikes tell you what the three notes are!

Ta da! Now we can see what notes were in that chord!  Cool, right??  FOURIER TRANSFORMS ARE AWESOME.  You can use them for all sorts of cool things, like filtering seismic data to see seismic signals that relate to magma moving around, or you can look at gravity data and figure out if you got a lot of deep stuff or a lot of shallow stuff.

*hem*.  So, what more could we possibly want?  Well, there's a rather crucial limitation to a Fourier transform - it assumes your sine curve goes on forever.  Well, what if it doesn't?  WHAT DO WE DO???

Never fear, the wavelets are here!!!  Wavelets don't go on forever, so we can use them to search for notes/frequencies that only pop up for a certain time, and then go away.  How do we do this?  Well, we take the the basic wavelet shape (there are different kind of wavelets, more on this later), and we stretch it, make it bigger, etc., and then run it across our signal and figure out which distortions of the wavelet fit where.  So if a signal had lots of low notes in the beginning, that's where all the way stretched out wavelets would fit well, and if we had lots of high notes in the end, that's where all the squished wavelets would fit well.

The thing on the left is the basic Haar wavelet.  The basic form is called the "mother wavelet".  The things on the right are the mother wavelet shifted and stretched, kind of like how kids might get a real mother all bent out of shape...

So a really simple kind of wavelet is the Haar wavelet.  That's the one above this paragraph.  It works pretty well for some things, but you'll notice it's pretty blocky.  What if our signal isn't particularly blocky?  The Haar wavelet might not work so well for analyzing it.

And now comes along the very much awesome Ingrid Daubechies.  She developed a class of wavelets (now known as, unsurprisingly, Daubechies wavelets) that are both more detailed, and easier to work with than Haar wavelets.  And here I must confess my knowledge runs thin, because although I've had great fun playing around with Haar wavelets, I don't know all that much about the nitty gritty details of Daubechies wavelets.  However, I DO know that they get used A LOT.  The way I encountered them first was through inversion of gravity data - some of the files used in the inversion program can get pretty huge in the computer's memory, which limits the size of the data sets you can deal with and how detailed the models are.  However, you can use Daubechies wavelets to compress these files, which allows us to get some pretty freaking cool looking gravity models.  The way you've likely encountered wavelets is through our friend the JPEG!  Daubechies wavelets are part of the standard algorithm for compressing JPEG images, so that all those photos of your cat only take up 50% of your computer space rather than 99.999999%.

This is a Daubechies wavelet!  See how it's got a lot more complicated features to it?  This makes it easier for the shifted and stretched version to match more complicated looking signals.

Thingamabob #2: Generalized Cross Validation

Okay!  You ready for some MORE math??? No wait, wait, come back!!  All right, for those of you who didn't just run screaming away from your computer, causing great consternation for your loved ones and roommates, I'll now tell you the tale of Generalized Cross Validation (GCV for short).  This will be a shorter explanation because I know less about it, other than I thought it was really cool when I first encountered it in the inversion course I audited*, I just wish I had actually gotten to play with it more so I would remember more about the specifics!

*With the professor who really didn't want me there, but I showed up anyway....

ANYWAY.  Now we get to talk about inversion!!!  Inversion is awesome!!!*  Okay. So you have gone out in the field and sweated and strained and come back with your gravity data clutched in your grubby fists.  Now what?  Well, maybe you made a nice contour plot of the data, but you're not really sure what this anomaly is telling you. How deep is it?  Is it tilted at all?  Is it shallow, or just really high density?

*I need a word other than awesome!!!

Enter inversion to answer most* of your questions!  So, if you've got a Dense Thing in less dense stuff under the ground, that causes an area where gravity is stronger than other areas - a gravity anomaly.  If we know the shape of the Dense Thing and how dense it is, it's a relatively simple problem to calculate what the gravity anomaly should look like - this is called the "forward problem".

*Always work with geologists.  Always.  They keep your geophysics connected to those rock things all geophysicists seem to be terrified of.

The orange line is what you measured out in the field, braving heat, steep slopes, high winds, killer bees, and angry cows.  That orange blob is the focus of all your efforts - how dense is it?  Where is it?  Is it going to explode? (That last being only applicable in volcanic situations, generally)

But we're not dealing with that, are we?  No, we have the data, and since we like trees and grass we're NOT going to go digging to figure out what that Dense Thing* looks like.  So, we do the process in reverse - we use the gravity data and do the physics backwards to get the shape and density of the Dense Thing.  This is called the "inverse problem".

*Otherwise known as a "density anomaly".  But I rather like the term Dense Thing for now, as it puts me in mind of a rock with a beard, a bandanna, and a peace sign pendant just chillin' beneath the ground.

So there are some tricky things about this.  We want whatever Dense Thing we end up finding through this inversion to produce gravity data that matches the data we measured.  BUT, not exactly, because we know this data has noise - that is, we know our measurements aren't exactly accurate.  Maybe a cow walked by and made the gravity meter unhappy.  Maybe that measuring line on the meter wasn't REALLY on the 2, it was on the 3.  So we want the Dense Thing we create to match the data, but not too well.

Second tricky thing - physics!  See, gravity is what is known as "non-unique".  There are, mathematically speaking, an infinite number of ways you could build your Dense Thing to get the same gravity data.  Oh gods, what now??? ALL IS LOST!!!  Nope! We gots math, and we gots geology.  See, we do know some things about this Dense Thing.  We know it should be smooth - that is, you don't have one part of it that has a density of 0.000001 and one part right next to it that has a density of 10000000.  Geology generally doesn't do that.  We also want it to be small - we're assuming the simplest shape is the best, because on the scale that gravity surveys can detect stuff, things tend to not be spiky*.  Spiky things are large, and smooth things are small.  So we put in a bunch of math that says, only choose Dense Things that have sane variations in density and aren't too spiky.

*TEND TO BE.  I heard you geologists and geochemists wailing just now.  Just bear with me, k?  Most of the time you know it's true....  And I know sometimes it isn't....

So when you run the inversion stuff, it's a balancing act between the two.  Dense Things that are really smooth and laid back might be nice, but they probably won't fit your data very well.  Dense Things that fit your data well will probably be too spiky.  We have thing called a "regularization parameter" that controls the balance between the two.  I'm going to call it Bob, because "regularization parameter" is just too dang much to write multiple times.  So if Bob is really high*, we get smooth Dense Things that don't fit the data too closely, and if Bob is really low, we get models that fit the data really really well, but are unbearably spiky.

*Oh dear.  Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all....especially in this state....

So how best to choose Bob?  This is where Generalized Cross Validation comes in!  And you thought we would never get there...  GCV was developed by the amazing and wonderful Grace Wabha, who is apparently STILL an active professor of the University of Wisconsin-Madison, at the age of 80.  I want to be HER when I'm 80.  So anyway.  My rough understanding of the method, drawn nearly entirely from the very useful explanation by the UBCGIF group, is this:

1. Do an inversion with a certain value of Bob, but leave out one data point.
2. Calculate a number that says how close the Dense Thing your inversion gave you matches the original gravity data.
3. Do steps 1 and 2 for all the data points.
4. Sum up all those "how close you got" numbers from step 3.  This is called your "cross validation value".
5. Do steps 1 through 4 for a range of values for Bob.  This gives you a cross validation value for each Bob.
6. Figure out which Bob value gives you the lowest cross validation value.  This is the best Bob to use to get the best model of the Dense Thing!

Tada!  Now you have a Dense Thing that fits your data, but not too close, and is not too spiky.  Isn't GCV awesome?  Aren't we glad Grace Wabha is awesome?

So sometimes I get all discouraged when I read all the stuff about how being female in a STEM field can be tough.  And how it seems like all those scientists you hear about in class who made all those really important discoveries that define your field, well, they're all male, so I guess the females just had too much to fight to really contribute, so I guess everyone's going to assume women are too stupid to be good scientists.  But THEN I keep encountering these methods that are so fundamental to what I do, and hey, these really incredible women developed them!  So hey, maybe we can do cool stuff.  Maybe I can do cool stuff.  If they could make it, and I mean REALLY make it, in the face of what were undoubtedly much higher odds than I face today, then, heck, I can do this.  I can stay in, I can make lasting contributions to my field.  They gave me such amazing tools to play with, it's the least I can do....

Still haven't had your fill of nerdiness yet?  Well, check out these spectrograms of famous classical pieces!  Each vertical line is a Fourier Transform of about a second of the music.  High notes show up higher up in the image, lower notes show up lower down on the image.  Start with the Dvorak's 9th Symphony to get the idea, and then move on to The Imperial March to multiply the geekiness factor to eleventy-seven...